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Thursday, 25 October 2018


I get to my apartment and Sandra unlocks the door. I get in and head straight for my room. Sandra is still following me and quickly steps in before I lock her out.
"Lisa please talk to me. What's wrong? Is it me? I already said I was sorry." She asks with worry and fear laced tone.
"Its not you Sandra. Please can you get me pain relieve. I have a headache." She quickly rushes into my bathroom and comes back in a few seconds holding a glass of water and two tablets. I swallow the tablets and push it down with the water before laying back down on the bed.
"Then what is it. Please talk to me." She begs me.
"N-nathan. He wants to talk a-about what happened. He came to me. He asked for a few minutes but I told him I'm having a major surgery tomorrow and I'll get back to him." I told her. Sandra stares at me for a while before speaking up.
"Do you want to talk to him?" She asks me studying my reaction.
"I do and don't at the same time. I want to hear what he has to say but I also don't want to relive the past." I tell her.
"I'm sorry. I wish I could help but its something you have to do and decide on." She says cuddling up behind me and hugging me tightly to herself.
We both lay down in silence for a couple of hours before my stomach growls loudly in protest.
"I'll get you something to eat. Just take a shower and I'll bring it to you." Sandra tells me before getting up and leaving the room.
I lay down for a few minutes before getting up and heading to the shower. I fill the tub with warm water and add my bath oils and soaps that helps me relax. I strip and get into the tub. I adjust myself till I'm comfortable and then close my eyes.
"Lisa where are you?" Sandra shouts from my bedroom. I get out of the tub and wrap a towel around my body before going to my room.
"There you are. I ordered. hope you're in the mood for Chinese." Sandra tells me.
"Yes whatever. I'll eat anything." I tell her before putting on comfortable clothing and settling down on my bed to eat.
"No spilling Sandra. Use your tray you're on my bed." I glare at her.
We finished eating a while ago and are lying down on the bed when I break the silence.
"Sandra I'm thinking of calling Mrs Connor. I need her advice."
"Go ahead. Call her. I'll be here with you." She tells me handing me my phone from the charging stand. I dial Mrs Connor's number and listen as it rings waiting for her to pick up.
"Hello Lisa. How are you?" She asks me I'm sure she's smiling.
"I've been great. How are you?" I ask her.
"I'm doing great thank you. Any problem you want to talk about?" She asks me as if reading my mind through the phone.
"I wanted to talk to you about something." I pause for her reply before I go on.
"Go ahead. I'm listening." She tells me and I hear shuffling in the background which tells me she's writing.
"So Nathan is back..." I pause and draw a quick breath. The phone is silent and I know Mrs Connor is trying to process what I just said.
"Nathan Reed? When did this happen and why didn't you call me? Are you okay? Did the nightmares get worse? Oh my God!" And there goes the questions.
I try my best to answer one at a time. "Yes that Nathan. I saw him at the hospital last week. He's the dad to one of my patients. I didn't call you because I had been avoiding him till today. No, I'm not okay and yes the nightmares did get worse."
"Oh I'm so sorry Lisa. Didn't know about all this. Do you want to meet or we should talk over the phone?" She asks me.
"No let's talk over the phone. I need your advice urgently." I say to her and she switches into professional therapist mode.
"He came to me today asking to talk. He knew I had been avoiding him because he asks Jess about me..."
"Who's Jess?" She asks cutting me off.
"She's my friend at the hospital. So she told me a Mr Reed asked if I was at work on Monday that was yesterday but she told him no because I had not arrived by then and I had been gone for three days."
"Where did you go for three days?" She asks cutting me off again.
"I was at home. I had a panic attack when I saw him and I couldn't face him so I stayed at home for three days and called in sick at the hospital. They believed because my voice was cracked and I sounded sick on the phone. But I knew I couldn't stay at home forever so I returned to work yesterday. After Jess told me Nathan asked for me I found out his visiting time and avoided him but he found me today when I was talking to a doctor in the hallway."
"What happened when he saw you?"
"He begged me for a chance to explain. He asked for a few minutes but I told him about the major surgery coming up tomorrow and that I needed a clear head. I collected his card and told him I'd get back to him after the surgery." I tell her and the phone goes silent before she speaks up.
"What do you want? Do you want to talk to him? Do you even want to see him?" She asks me and its then I realize I really don't know what I want. I'm torn between my head and my heart. My hearts is saying one thing while my head says another.
"I really don't know what I want Mrs Connor. I want to see him talk to him and at the same time I don't want to be near him. I want to hear what he has to say but I also don't want to relive the past. I miss him but yet I want to push him as far away from me as possible. Why did he have to come back." I whisper the last part and it is then I realize I've been crying. Sandra is rubbing soothing circles in my back which relaxes me a bit.
Why can't I get a break in my life?
"I'm sorry Lisa. I really am. But even as your therapist there are things I can't give you advice for. Things I can't decide for you. If you want to talk to him then go ahead. If you don't want to talk you call him and tell him. You have to make these decisions yourself no matter how hard it is. You have to analyze the situation and find deep within you what you really want. The only thing I can tell you is since Nathan is back in the picture you need closure and the only way you can get that is by talking to him." She tells me slowly as if giving me time to process all what she's saying.
I nod my head before remembering she can't see me then whisper an 'okay'.
"And make sure you have support from a family or friend. Don't stay alone and talk to your support."
"I'm her support!" Sandra shouts into the phone making me chuckle.
"Oh that's good. Take your pills and feel free to call me whenever you want. Take care dear." She says to me.
"Thanks Mrs Connor." I reply her before the line goes dead. Sandra just takes the phone from me and return it to the charging stand. I lay down on the bed and Sandra hugs me from the back.
We say nothing to each other and just bask in the silence thinking about different things. And that's how we fall asleep.

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